The Virgin British Isles and Farcical 50

Warning, this article contains some apocalyptic visions of the future. They are not to be used by the Tory party in formulation of actual policy.

Farcical 50 will be triggered on March 29th, Brexit is a go and in the race of lame, self-serving nags awkwardly attempting to clear geo-political hurdles with which even healthy, athletic stallions would struggle, we begin to see the competing agendas of our utterly inept politicians.

In the inside gate, with an outside chance, suffering the distinct disadvantages of media bias and retrograde policies, we have Jeremy “Nice-but-dim” Corbyn. He wants to fully sever ties with the EU because his dogmatic socialism  believes that the only valid international is that of union solidarity. He wrongly believes that gutting the financial sector (which accounts for 7.7% of GDP ) will lead people further towards socialism. If only we had some sort of contemporary evidence linking hardship and recession to far-right populism! There’s a reason Yanis Varoufakis is pro-remain . He put the welfare of the people before the welfare of political ideology. Sadly, Jez won’t make that same trade, which is why his attempt to toe the party line by supporting the Remain campaign was decidedly lacklustre. To be fair to Jeremy, his party seem to have adopted the unique strategy of failing to back their own leader; a feat that the Labour party did not appear capable of back when their old leader was starting illegal foreign wars.

As an aside, there is quite a bit that can be said in support of meaningful solidarity between ordinary citizens internationally. Trade unions, however, fail to serve ordinary citizens. International ones won’t work either. Sorry. What will work are end-to-end encrypted communication platforms through which we can organise with small groups of committed peers, appointing those with the right skills to the right positions. Once these become widespread enough, infiltration and co-option become impractical. But enough about my future business ventures.

In gate 2 with apparently no meaningful handicap other than her own lack of enthusiasm for the policies she’s implementing, we have Theresa “Maggie Without Conviction” May. MWC is keen to turn the UK into a British Virgin Islands-style tax haven, hence the utterly brilliant name I have chosen for this article. I’m going to avoid cliché witticisms regarding being kissed before getting fucked. At least Thatcher actually believed in the policies with which she chose to systematically pillage this country. MWC is a free market fundamentalist with a deeply inconsistent message. She, like Thatcher, doesn’t appear to believe in society but somehow finds room to hypocritically extol the value of “Social Justice”. Amazingly she evades widespread critique from the far-right on this matter despite their apparent opposition to the concept of “Social Justice Warriors”, referred to in Twitter-based micro-aggressions as the derogatory acronym SJW’s. MWC further contradicts this largely meaningless position by completely opposing the Human Rights Act. Babies and bath water come to mind but I’m going to sail past that cliché too.

MWC’s dark vision for post-Brexit Britain is one in which Richard Branson sponsors Gladiatorial battles between teams of red, white and blue-dyed unemployed people as they compete tirelessly for a no-expenses-paid chance to litter pick for the Queen. Jeremy Kyle provides the judgemental, aggressive backstory on the competitors whilst career sociopaths Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins take turns defiling the corpses on live television despite widespread censorship of all artistically viable content. The winning team, probably the Scottish unemployed with their affinity for woad and Buckfast wine, will pay their own MegaBus fare South for the opportunity to remove fag butts and the rotting corpses of foreign labourers from the gutters of the newly refurbished Buckingham palace. Their hope, of course, is that a scout will be there from one of the arms manufacturers, financial ruin academies, or thought control tanks. They might, if spotted, earn their freedom through what I’m sure will be a deeply meritocratic internal employment structure of one of these entities. Maximum social mobility in post-Brexit Britain will be a BAE janitor working his/her way up to the rank of Chief Gas Chamber Attendant. Arbeit macht frei.

This brings us neatly to gate 3. UKIP, the people’s anti-German, Nazi party. Free Market populists. The only things dirtier than their policies and browsing history (as responsibly gathered by the Tories’ definitely-not-open-to-security-breaches, Orwellian, internet monitoring system) are their knees from the continuous, committed fellatio they insist on performing on the flaccid, hand-size-relative, member of Donald “The J is for Genius” Trump. UKIP want to privatise the NHS*mEBeWh_rnY2Mg1v8. although, thanks to cognitive dissonance, none of their supporters will believe this until they see it written on the side of a fucking bus. The misleading use of the phrase “Free at the point of delivery” on their website only serves to reassure us to the extent that chip and pin will not be required at the time of defibrillation.

I have this fantasy that next time Farage visits the Ecuadorian embassy , Assange finally snaps from the pressure of six years of arbitrary detention and strangles him to death with a laptop charger cable on live video feed before processing his hate-filled cadaver into a delicious jellied food source for Embassy Cat. I also have this other fantasy involving the far-right finally realising that they’ve been cynically manipulated and fighting back against the bourgeoisie with all the hard-won rioting prowess that generations of fat, white, inbred football hooligans can muster. Sadly, I know which of these fantasies is more likely. Here kitty, kitty.

In gate 4 there’s a confused bunch of liberals. Nobody knows or cares who their leader is. It’s no longer Nick “Judas” Clegg. Perhaps it should be. Everyone else has a hypocritical sell-out in charge. All we know is that liberalism has failed on account of its total inability to win anyone over or even provide a decent apocalyptic vision. If we can’t picture your policies being enacted against a backdrop of escalating foreign and domestic conflict, mountains being hurled into the sea and skies darkened with the smoke of foot-and-mouth style pyres built from books and foreigners then, frankly, they’re not for us. Modern liberalism is a process of steadily blunting the tools of effective democracy through political correctness. It is my democratic right to punch Nazis in the face. I will not have that taken away from me by people who genuinely think Clinton was a decent candidate and don’t have a bad word to say about Barack “I Have a Drone” Obama. I’ll say this only once: criticise them all. There is no such thing as the lesser of two evils.

In gate 5 we have Nicola “Fishy name and policies” Sturgeon. Now, she seems like she genuinely wants to represent her constituents. Historically, she’s done this by systematically misrepresenting UK membership to them but thanks to the Brexit cluster-fuck she can finally make a cogent argument that the Scottish people will be better off if they elect to leave the Union and re-join the EU. Hilariously, she wants to do all this whilst keeping the pound . Opportunism hasn’t looked this obvious since Oppy the Opportunist jumped on the Opportunity Train to Opportunity City because he heard they might be hiring croupiers in a Casino from which Trump Corp had recently divested. (Opportunity Land hasn’t destructively privatised its public transport infrastructure so Oppy’s train was on time and he got the job.)

It remains to be seen who will actually win this race. I am certain of two things though:
1) the bets of ordinary punters are not likely to come in and 2) not all these braying hacks will make it to the finish.

My favourite part of the Grand National is the end when all the broken-legged horses are put down. I’m joking of course. It’s such a waste of otherwise-viable lasagne meat. Still joking. Please don’t watch horse racing it’s a terrible excuse for a sport. My point is we can either put these idiot politicians out to pasture now or we wait for them to irrevocably fuck up all the working-class Brexit wagers before being shot behind a carefully placed screen like that sign that appears around frame 212 of the Zapruder film .

To put it less hysterically, we have a simple choice now: build a Social Contract-based movement or lose all post-WWII working-class concessions. Politicians with self-serving agendas are tearing this country apart and unless we, the people, come up with a bold set of demands for Brexit Britain, these Isles will bear the name of our Ford and saviour, Branson, within a decade. A few suggestions:

  • Freedom isn’t freedom whilst slavery remains. Freedom is conditionally linked to its universality. End private for-profit prisons and third world exploitation. Happily, we’ll be able to obfuscate the economic impact of this because everything is about to get way more expensive anyway.
  • Uninformed democracy is not democracy. Both education and media freedom are of paramount importance in “post-truth”, post-Brexit Britain. Protections for them need to be formally codified. In addition, media organisations need to start handing out fact-checking awards for those rare journalists who are capable of doing their jobs.
  • Hand the NHS back to the people. If we’re “taking back control” (as if we ever truly had it) then a sensible step might be to stop privatising the entities over which we might expect to gain influence. Current government policy towards the NHS can be summarised thusly: they’re manufacturing the problems to justify the privatisation. We therefore need to codify protections for the NHS and trap any politician who says we can’t afford it inside the reactor room of a Trident nuclear sub.
  • Prosecute the Banksters. Frankie Boyle’s screams of “It was the fucking banks” are echoing in my head for good reason. Generating scarcity, fear and recession is profitable for certain elements within our financial system. We need to bring about a situation where it is not.
  • End the Orwellian surveillance system. Since we’ll all apparently be so much safer once we’re out of the EU there presumably won’t be a justification for continuous non-targeted surveillance of ordinary citizens’ communications.
  • Start unequivocally leading the world in combatting climate change. This is an important one, not only because a little thing called the future of humanity depends upon it, but also because it would be lovely if we could start listening to experts again.

To use any more than six bullet points would be to cross into the realm of self-indulgence and there’s enough of that contained within the extended horse race metaphor above. The Guardian would not publish this article or even respond to my email (LOL). If you’ve enjoyed it, please let me know @LaurenceAvent on Twitter. Cheers.


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